Encouraging Independent Play

ENCOURAGING INDEPENDENT PLAY

“I’m bored. There’s nothing to do. You never play with me.” Sound familiar?  If you are feeling drained by your child’s seemingly endless demands for interaction, your first reaction may be to insist they play independently.  But have you ever noticed that the harder you push, the more they seem to cling?  That’s because the  driving force to get your children to play independently may be your own very legitimate need for a break for yourself!  You’ve been working hard. You are tired, perhaps “touched out”, and desperately in need of some personal space! Unfortunately, the higher your stress level, the louder your child’s brain is shouting – “We are under threat.  Do NOT let the adults in your life out of your sight!”  So, if pushing doesn’t work, how can you get a break, or at a minimum a little personal space and ideally children who enjoy independent play?  It starts with lowering your own stress level.

Know what you and your child need to recharge:

If you are an introvert with an extroverted spirited child, their need for interaction may not only make you wonder why this child needs so much attention, but by the end of the day leave you exhausted. If this is your situation, it is critical to remember that extroverts seek interaction and activity to re-charge and perform at their best. But the vary things that recharge extroverts drain introverts who need quiet, space and downtime to re-charge. As an introvert your need for quiet and space is real and inside of you – like hunger it cannot be ignored. All too often, however, as a parent we feel guilty asking for our space or seeking quiet. That’s why I want you to know that when you allow yourself to tap into your preferred re-charge sources, not only do you calm yourself, but your children too. Calm children stay focused longer and feel comfortable moving out from you. 

If you are an extrovert, know that while you re-charge through interaction and activity, interacting with young children does not necessarily offer the same restorative energy as doing so with other adults. So, plan activities that allow you to chat with other adults while the kids play. No guilt needed because developmentally you are doing your child a favor.  Opportunities for creative play are essential for three-year-olds and up to develop social skills. Look for opportunities in your network for parents to interact on the sidelines while your child is free to interact with agemates. It’s important that ages are within a few years, so they learn to negotiate with their peers.

Give yourself a break: Whether you recharge as an introvert or extravert plan breaks for YOU into your day.  If you are home with your children, when they nap, take a 20–30-minute power nap, or allow yourself downtime. Avoid scrolling on your phone. It is easy to do but not restorative. If you have a preschooler hire an elementary age child to come in after school to “baby sit”. Of course, you will still be present and available if needed but off the hook for interacting. Audio books are engaging even for your extroverts. Screen time can be a tool. Just be certain to establish a set time during the day when your child can watch a favorite show or play a game. Make the limit clear. When the show is over, or the timer goes off, they must turn off the screen without a fuss. If they choose to fuss, they lose the privilege of screen time the next day.

Involve your child in tasks that you need or want to do. Even toddlers can assist in clearing a table, packing lunches, matching socks, watering a garden, preparing food, or participate in your favorite hobbies like artwork or building. While they work, they are near you, which calms them, and learning skills that ultimately allow them to do these things independently and with pride!  Children who do chores demonstrate higher levels of self-confidence and independence.

Observe your child’s passions and interests.  Take note of what delights your child. Dress-up? Art projects? Working with tools? Whatever it is, provide the materials that allow them to tap into their passions. When you do, they will play independently. Initially, it may only be ten or fifteen minutes, but that will gradually grow. 

To get your children to play independently, be kind to yourself and move forward in small steps.