Tantrums: Understanding and Reducing Them

When your child is losing it, it is easy to get caught in the flames of those challenging behaviors. You take them personally wondering why your child is being so mean, rude or hurtful to you. That’s why it is so important to know that most of the tantrums experienced by spirited children have nothing to do with power, manipulation, getting attention or driving you wild. They are spillover tantrums, a flood of emotions so powerful they overwhelm your child’s ability to cope. To stop the flood of emotions requires depersonalizing those behaviors, recognizing they are not about you. Instead look for the real fuel source. What sent your child into overload? Once you identify the fuel source you can take steps to stop it or change it. The potential sources may vary widely but there are six common culprits we can predict. 

Lack of sleep. In my experience over ninety percent of the children experiencing meltdowns are sleep deprived. No parent intentionally restricts their child’s sleep, it can just slip up on us. The biggest challenge may occur when we realize that to meet our child’s need for sleep, we must adapt our schedule and adjust our expectations. Inconvenient? Absolutely, but essential to avoid pushing our child beyond her ability to cope. 

Disrupted structure and routine. Mornings had been going well, and then blew up. Lunch time used to be peaceful but now it’s chaos. Bedtime used to go so smoothly but is now a two-hour wrestling match. What happened? Stop to reflect, and you may realize you have lost your routines. Sometimes those spillover meltdowns are a child letting you know, “We’ve lost our predictability and without it I’m overwhelmed. Please bring it back.”  

Temperament. You can use your child’s temperament profile to identify potential fuel sources. Have there been more surprises than your slow to adapt child can manage? Have you stopped to ask your persistent child what about going to the friend’s house was important before you said, no? Every time your child experiences a meltdown, note when and where it happens, and at what time of the day. Then review her temperamental profile. The culprit may lie there. 

Stress. Spirited children are the emotional barometer in the room. Whether it is your stress, the teacher’s stress, or the stress in the general environment, they not only sense it but soak it up. Bit by bit the tension builds until like a balloon they explode.  Check your stress level.  Is your child letting loose the scream you’ve been wrestling to silence for days?  This meltdown may be a gift from your spirited child, letting your family know, “Hey guys, we need to slow down, gather together and take steps to recenter and calm.” 

Growth spurts. If your child is within three to six weeks of their birthday or half birthday and suddenly experiences a surge of meltdowns, he may be experiencing a growth spurt. During a growth spurt the old systems crash before the new ones re-integrate at a new and higher level. During the crash period your child needs lots of soothing, calming activities, and often more assistance with tasks they previously completed independently. Fortunately, one day the new growth appears and your child steps out of his bedroom in the morning standing an inch taller, spouting a larger vocabulary, demonstrating skills he did not have yesterday, and most importantly calm and together. 

Medical. When despite your best efforts the meltdowns continue, it may be time to make an appointment with your pediatrician to explore whether an underlying medical condition is adding fuel to the fires. 

These are not the only potential culprits but what’s most important is that pausing to ask, why is this happening, allows you to take a deep breath, stay calm and remind yourself, my child is experiencing a spillover meltdown this is not a personal assault. There is a fuel source and once we identify it, we can make things better.